The "Not Another Trip Report!" Part 1: Epcot has Left the Library. Epcot has been Saved.

This is Walt Disney World. You are with Sigourney Weaver, aboard the website Parkscope. Something has gone wrong. One by one the readers have vanished. And somewhere in this website, a terrifying TRIP REPORT waits to claim its next victim!

WARNING! REMAIN IN YOUR VEHICLE! THE AREA YOU ARE ENTERING IS EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!

What follows is a moderately detailed and wholly spontaneous trip report of my recent adventures hacking away at Brazilian tour groups. Many, many of these topics might become entire columns in the future, since they have increasingly piqued my interest the more I think about them. We’ll see if you agree.

Oh, and I have an EASTER EGG surprise for you. Hidden somewhere in this column is the FULL DRINK MENU for Pleasure Island, specifically Comedy Warehouse. Yes, all the PI specialty drinks are somewhere below. This is not a joke! It’s here. And, according to my research, it’s the ONLY KNOWN PICTURE of the Comedy Warehouse drink menu on the entire internet! See, now you might read it!

Got that Egg White delight Spinach Cabbage McMuffin handy? Grabbed that Danish in the shape of Mount Rushmore? Then let’s get started!

Epcot ‘15

So...They can think of THIS but somehow NOT tie it into Veggie Veggie Fruit Fruit? Who's asleep at the switch?!

Spaceship Earth and my other lovelies: Upon entering the most experimental of prototypes, I had to partake in one of my most sacred of rituals: immediately doing what every other clueless tourist with a map glued to their face would do and head straight for the giant space dome that everyone else is running to regardless of sanity or common sense. I have to do SSE first. I just have to. It’s like the people who always go to a certain hot dog stand immediately upon entering the ballpark. I have to pay my respects to John Hench and Ray Bradbury, even though they would never in their right mind ask me to thank the Phoenicians. And, to pay even more respect to Messrs. Hench and Bradbury, I listened to the thing in German. I just can’t stand the new(er) spiel. I mean, do we really have to pander to the lowest common denominator? I can’t believe (and I mean this sarcastically, because you know this is true) that there was some meeting, somewhere, among Disney “creative” executives who looked at the data that said “young kids don’t like Epcot as much as Fantasyland” and pronounced the ultimate solution to be having Judi Dench act like Dora the Explorer. It’s just insulting to my ears, to my American heritage, to my sci-fi background, and to practically everyone who ever lived in ancient Mesopotamia. I still can’t get over that. Lord almighty. So, German it is. Usually it’s Japanese, because Japanese voice work is so much better than American voice work, but I needed a good laugh. See, Germany is good for something!

Before we go on, let me just say that SSE, Universe of Energy, American Adventure and Living with the Land are probably the only fully pleasant experiences I can even have at Epcot any more, mostly thanks to Fastpass+ (more on that later). I can’t help thinking that there has to be someone else who thinks it’s possible for Disney to produce a new UOE show using the exact same cast as the 1996 version. Wouldn’t that be weird and kinda geeky all at the same time? Is there a Kickstarter for this? Can there be a Kickstarter for this?! Come on internet, I don’t ask for much.

The producer's going crazy because Einstein fell asleep again. Someone poke him with a MagicBand.

World Showcase: I found my normal tour around World Showcase to be more unpleasant than usual because as time goes on, we old WDW stallions are starting to realize a tidal wave that has just hit our treehouse and flooded our dreams: that World Showcase, themed stratificationarium extraordinaire, vestige of Ryman and Redmond and Goff and McKim, has inexorably turned into little more than a walk-around themed bar district. Yes, for some reason, the same hoity-toity executives who felt that Pleasure Island was a walk on the just-a-little-too wild side also felt what the Mexico Pavilion really needed was a Margarita stand and a Tequila bar. No more attractions, no more restaurants (unless they provided uber-expensive Illuminations packages, natch). Just more booze. Is anyone running this ship? Does the left hand realize that the right hand just all but challenged the Orange County department of Alcoholic Beverage Control to a duel? What is going on these days?

On a related note, who wants to start a bet on how long it takes Disney to call this "Rainforest Theming?"

France: On a more satisfying note, the French Pavilion still provides one of the most untouched remnants of EPCOT Center left in this world. Sure, Perry the Platypus likes to swing from the chimneys and the Patisserie now serves sandwich and pastry items that can be found in many, many other locations on property, but by golly walking into Impressions de France is like walking into a time machine back to 1982. I think it has to be the only remaining untouched attraction from 10/1/82. For that, it gets my click. And a toast. With all the alcohol I stumbled over to walk there.

American Adventure: I sat in the dark auditorium for 40 minutes with a look of pure joy. I just kept thinking how we will never see anything like AA ever again. A 40 minute multi-presentational animatronic show? Unbelievable. I sat with a smirk on my face, since it’s obvious given Disney’s recent history that the park executives have absolutely no idea it’s still there. Attractions Director: “The American what? It’s where? I didn’t know we had an America Pavilion. I never go past the Japanese sake bar.”

Mission: Sinise: I might be the only one in the world who thinks that if Guests didn’t know the darn thing spun, they wouldn’t psych themselves out and get sick. Can someone do a study on this? Can we have a control group from Brazil pretend to be led into the Orange queue but instead be snuck into the Green queue? How many less people would get sick if Moe from Global Guts didn’t tell them to leave if they’re afraid of spinning, after informing them that Mark from Israel is in the lead with 550 points heading into the Crag level? Has anyone with any authority thought this out loud? “Hey, you know how we don’t tell Guests on Star Tours they’re moving and shaking inside a box on stilts…?” Hypersleep deactivated.

Tron Track: This is the second trip I’ve taken to WDW since Test Track received the Tron makeover, and there’s a little buzzing in my head I can’t seem to shake. I walked past the new queue, the dreadfully boring preshow/waiting/prison area where we’re put in an airlock until all the other kids are done doodling their non-existent car, then was shuffled onto a ride that I was told was different than Test Track but ended up just being Test Track that got up on the wrong side of the bed. Oh, now I remember what that buzzing in my head was saying. I can hear it now, it’s real quiet: WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS??!! Seriously, I can’t even fathom why Disney spent so much money to quite possibly make one of their star E-Tickets less interesting than what it was before. Didn’t we used to have a rough road section? And a climate chamber? And a truck that was hiding because it wasn’t covered in bright neon? I’m racking my brain to think of another instance where Disney spent money with the sole purpose of making an attraction less exciting (except obviously not for Tom “tile murals are exciting” Fitzgerald). Not to add characters, not to make it PC, not to add pointless distractions, but to literally make it less interesting? I mean, this is a unicorn attraction here. How many times has this happened? And more importantly, why was there no real effort placed on this renovation? Covering things in neon, pretty though it is, does not an attraction make. What makes it even more insulting is the fact they didn’t even take the concept to its conclusion! WHERE ARE THE PRETTY NEON LIGHTS ON THE EXTERIOR LOOP??!! There was nothing! Not one little sliver. Think of how cool that could have been. Had it been done right, it could have made the entire effort worthwhile. What a travesty.

Disney’s Hollywood Pixar Marvel Star Wars Muppet Lucas Studios (Esquire)

Fastpass- : Before we continue, I have to quickly mention the Marx Brothers movie that Fastpass+ has become (or Fastpass-minus, preferably). I’ve heard arguments from both sides of the aisle about the pros and cons of this system, and I’m guessing from what I’ve heard that the internet community is largely divided on this issue, but after hearing all the arguments I cannot for the life of me find any reason to think why Fastpass+ is an improvement, or at least that it doesn’t cause more harm than good. For every argument I’ve heard in it’s favor, I can think of two or three ways it would create a negative experience for other Guests who don’t collect Vacation Club Points like Sonic the Hedgehog collects gold rings. I simply can’t wrap my mind around why this is a net gain in terms of overall Guest satisfaction (and I mean all Guests, not just the ones who plan every day of their vacation six months in advance). And this is even after Disney lifted the ludicrous rule that you could only get Fastpasses for one individual park each day (I mean really, who plans this stuff?) This is obviously a topic for a potential future article (God help us all) since there is far too much to talk about here. I only mention it because it very negatively affected one afternoon of mine with very little effort (it really infects everyone’s vacation like a disease and bothers you even when you’re trying not to pay attention like the people who talk in the movie theater). And I’m not even counting the fact that I saw 45 minute lines (caused by Fastpass+) for SSE, GMR, Living with the Land, Mansion, and Buzz on weekdays during the offseason (that really honks me off). I went to Studios on a whim one afternoon. I guess I must have been spoiled because I had gone to MK the day before and I was able to get a FP for practically anything (except a new kid’s coaster that seems to be all the rage these days). So I went to the FP+ terminal and saw wow, Coaster and GMR had times available that afternoon (I wasn’t going to wait in a 45 minute line for GMR). Awesome. I clicked on Coaster, then tried to click on GMR, but the icon had gone dark (I was able to get Space, Thunder, and Splash the previous day). I called over a FP+ attendant, we’ll call him Sven. As you can probably guess, hilarity ensued. Cue Benny Hill music.

Sven: How can I help you?

Me: Hi Sven. Awesome name. I’m trying to click on Tower, it was there a second ago but now it’s dark. Did it sell out in the half second it took me to blink?

Sven: Oh, you already have a FP for Coaster.

Me: Indeed.

Sven: You can’t have a FP for Coaster and GMR at the same time.

Me: I don’t get it.

Sven: See, there’s two columns here. You can only pick one attraction from the left column and two attractions from the right column.

Me: Is this some sort of theme park communism we’re witnessing?

Sven: (laughs) No, this is just Disney’s way of evening out the crowds.

Me: (ignoring the fact that the last time GMR had a 45 minute line was in 1991) So they put the big attractions on the left? So less FPs are given out?

Sven: Right.

Me: I can’t help but notice the Great Movie Ride is in the left column.

Sven: Yeah.

Me: And Beauty and the Beast.

Sven: Right.

Me: Can you tell me, seriously, if anyone has chosen these two in the left column instead of Coaster or Toy Story Mania?

Sven: I can’t remember.

Me: Oh believe me, I would remember if I were in your position. I see Tower and Star Tours are on the right…is there a suspicious waning of popularity for these two that we don’t know about?

Sven: I dunno.

Me: As long as you have to make a life or death choice between Toy Story Mania and Robert Osborne Presents?

Sven: I’m just the guy who does the thing.

Me: And what a thing it is you does. That’s fine…I guess I’ll just grab one for Tower and Star Tours.

Sven: Tower’s out, and Star Tours is for 7:15.

Me: Fine. Nevermind. I’ll just take the one for Coaster. (Fumbling at the controls). It’s not working.

Sven: You can’t do that.

Me: Do what?

Sven: You can’t just take a FP for Coaster. You have to pick two more.

Me: Come again? I have to do what now?

Sven: You have to take two more, or you don’t get any.

Me: The hell? This is progress?

Sven: Do you want the Star Tours one?

Me. No. Just give me the next two available.

Sven: Enjoy your 3:15 showing of Voyage of the Little Mermaid!

Me: (Death Stare)

Sven: Next please!

That in itself would be bad enough, but of course it couldn’t end there. The Little Mermaid FP was for a return time between 3:15 and 3:25. I went over to MuppetVision, which took slightly longer than I had anticipated, and made it to the show around 3:25. I went to the original FP return area, but it was no longer there, so I looked around for either a sign or an attendant (not there). Finally, after waiting at the entrance for a CM to show up, I saw one coming out of what looked like the return lane. I went up to him and showed him my pass. “I’m sorry,” he said not so sincerely, “we’re closed.” “The show’s 101?” I asked him. “No,” he said, “You were supposed to get here at 3:25, and it’s 3:26, so you need to wait in Standby.” I couldn’t help but laugh. “If you wait in Standby, there’s no guarantee you’ll get in this show.” “No man, I’m good. Have a nice day.” My nice gesture was not returned, as the Cast Member was probably looking for babies to steal candy from or small dogs to kick. So for those keeping score at home, our amazing Fastpass+ system has developed the following wave of negative effects:

1.     Fastpass+ bloats GMR line to 45 minutes, past the line of bearability

2.     Fastpass+ forces life or death choice between Coaster and GMR, looks like no GMR for Jeff today (single tear emoji)

3.     Hey, instead, you want to go on an attraction you have absolutely no earthly interest in?

4.     Jeff goes on MuppetVision, since it’s the only attraction at the time that has a short wait, and still misses FP time for Mermaid, even though it was not something he wanted to do in the first place

And can you imagine being a father of four girls who made his Fastpasses five hundred months in advance and shows up one minute late to Voyage of the Little Mermaid and is told under no uncertain terms to get lost by the teenage minimum wage attendant who just wants to get Vista Laid that night? Having been a greeter before (though not the kind who hates people), I’m telling you, there would have been real violence. This is Disney’s idea of a good time?

The Great Osborne Ride: Wow, Robert Osborne really is full of himself isn’t he? “Welcome to Robert Osborne presents Robert Osborne’s Great Movie Ride Starring Robert Osborne (and Sigourney Weaver).” And the not one but two blatant plugs for TCM in the final scene. Was Disney this desperate to have TCM’s sponsorship that they would bow to such pandering? I mean, talk about tasteless. Do we even need tour guides anymore? Why can’t we just replace them with animatronic Robert Osbornes? He’s castrated the spiel as it is. How sad.

Free Hat: FREE HAT FREE HAT FREE HAT FREE HAT…I can’t believe this is real! It’s like finally seeing the demise of the Pepto Bismol castle, except 13 years too late! I can see the framed architecture again! I can see the meticulously sculpted park icon! I can’t see a giant middle finger to all of us who don’t want to remember Paul Pressler! It’s like Michael Jordan finally getting rid of his Hitler moustache! FREE HAT FREE HAT FREE HAT!!

If the hapless mom in the middle had was wearing a fanny pack, you'd think it was 1989

And Now for Something Completely Different: There seems to be a new(er) safety procedure on the parking lot trams that forces Cast members to make a last call for boarding, announce that there’s no more boarding, then play the 90-second safety spiel announcement, and leave only after it’s done. The dirty looks they get by people who are told not to board but see the tram just sit there, perfectly still, for another 2 minutes or more is priceless. It’s why I get up in the morning. Can’t you just cut the boarding after the safety spiel? Seriously, people. The lawyers are out of control.

Frozen, or God’s Punishment for Male Cast Members: I treat Frozen like the annoying dog that your neighbor takes for a walk past your house every day. The rest of the neighbors just love that dog. I mean, how can you not like that dog. It’s the cutest freaking dog in the whole freaking world. Just leave me in peace. You do what you want Frozen, just don’t poop on my lawn. There’s a good dog.

MuppetVision: As a West Coaster, I really miss MuppetVision. It’s always been a real highlight for me. I miss it even more now that the Muppets have a TV show that quite possibly has caused several of my friends’ eyes to bleed. As a species, the human race simply cannot afford to eliminate a piece of Jim Henson when his legacy is being defecated on in such a fashion. I think this is the first sign of the apocalypse. Although, I’m glad to see the guy who closed the Country Bear Playhouse at Disneyland a few months before the release of the Country Bears movie has found another job at DCA, closing MuppetVision right before the Muppets debuted a show in primetime. Keep gettin’ dem checks, hilariously incompetent Disney synergy guy. (And isn’t it time we eliminate the completely pointless Muppets Most Wanted tag from the preshow? Is it so painfully obvious Disney couldn’t screw up the Muppets more if they tried?)

Disney’s Animal Kingdom, or as it’s known now, “Disney’s Crane Kingdom,” because yikes

Avatar Cranes: The cranes be everywhere! But are we actually sure this time they’re building the Avatar Promised Land? Is there actual progress being made? Can we clone Al Lutz so his duplicate can brave the horrendous swamps of Florida to bring us weekly updates on the so-called progress? I think there have been something like three Harry Potter expansions that have been announced and built since construction began. Civilizations have grown and died. There have been 17 new Doctor Who’s. I might be off a little there. But it sure seems like it.

Wait Your Turn Safaris: I’m going to take this opportunity to comment not on the perfectly serviceable jeep ride through Harambe to see the concrete and fiberglass Baobab Tree, but to quickly note a trend that has been an annoyance since the Darth Paul years of 1999-2002: the fact that Disney tends to pull vehicles for the night way too early, to the detriment of Guests still in the park. To be sure, pulling vehicles at the end of the night is an appropriate time and cost-saving measure, too convenient to be ignored. Starting about 15 minutes before park close, pulling these very-expensive-to-maintain vehicles out of the operation saves time for nightly maintenance crews and money on potential long-term wear and tear. When I was a Cast Member at the Temple of the Luxuriant (Forbidden) Eye, we sometimes pulled vehicles as early as 30 minutes prior to park close on slow nights. But also of note, our Leads were very aware of the effect it would have on our wait times. Pulling some vehicles at IJA (as long as both load stations were operational) had little effect on our wait time (five minutes at most), because our now depleted jeeps would simply coast into Unload instead of stopping behind another unloading jeep. The extra wait would be minimal, and would be partially offset by the fact that Guests did not have to wait to Unload. Unfortunately, I encountered some areas at WDW that took no such consideration, the most egregious being at Safaris and Thunder. In these instances, jeeps/trains were pulled more than an hour prior to closing, causing inexcuseably bloated wait times. At Thunder, a downsized 3 train operation caused what should have been a walk-on experience with a maximum 5 train operation during a relatively slow night into a 20-minute wait, with the line now past the Fastpass merge point. It was sad to see so many Guests forced to wait to this extent where there should be no wait at all. And again, on Safaris, my party and I waited in a painfully slow line that started past the stroller parking area. Even the Fastpass line had backed up past Warden Wilson’s happy pappy Harambe Channel (keep in mind, this was around 3:30 on a 5 pm close). As the line slogged to the merge point, one of the Fastpass Guests asked the merge CM why things were taking so long (he actually asked specifically if it was an animal delay). She said no, that they had been “taking vehicles off” so there would be delays and backups, as well as interminable waits in between jeeps. Isn’t that nice. During my time in Attractions, we were taught that a short wait for Guests should be considered part of the “Courtesy Key” (Safety/Courtesy/Show/Efficiency), and that contributions to Efficiency (removing vehicles, ERing Cast Members) should only be made if the Guest Experience was not affected too detrimentally. I’m just so puzzled that WDW would make such operational decisions so early before park close. They seem to have a mentality that a 20-minute wait is acceptable, regardless of the time or the park conditions. This is certainly another topic for another time, but if Disney wants to shake the impression that it’s uber-busy 24/7/365, shouldn’t they actually allow the slow times to be slow? During times of reduced park hours, Stay Time decreases, which means Guests have less time to spend money on food and merch. Don’t the Disney Scrooge-athons in the MBA department want Guests to spend more money? Guests can’t spend money if they’re waiting in line. It’s just one of those things that make you scratch your head.

And hey, did someone say SHOPPING?! That cues us up for …

Disney Springs, or, “Oh, the Humanity!”

The Sunglass Shacks: Okay, to be fair, there is still an enormous amount of construction going on, and the gridlock and overall pandemonium I experienced at this once-peaceful corner of WDW could easily be explained away by the fact that the full expansion has not yet opened. But that still doesn’t explain why I’m not impressed with the ongoing effort. Bill and Ted said it best: “Why have Pleasure Island when you could have a sunglass shack?” I guess I miss the days when Disney wanted Downtown Disney to be different, a change of pace from the rest of the property, a place where they put things that did not fit anywhere else, in the name of variety. Pleasure Island, DisneyQuest, House of Blues, the old Marketplace, Cap n’ Jack’s, Virgin Megastore, Cirque du Soleil, these are things that could encourage a separate visit to see DTD when you could be spending your time at the theme parks you’re spending $100/day for. But now it’s just…shopping. And a very limited variety of “things that aren’t shopping.” Even the so-called “new adventures,” namely the Splitsville bowling and the NBA Experience and the hangar where they serve Raiders of the Lost Meatballs, are little more than watered-down and far more expensive versions of what came before. Does the hangar really replace the Adventurer’s Club? Does NBA really replace Disneyquest? And the prices are an obscenity for the quality you get in return. They replaced what used to be a varied experience with one big outlet mall. Disney’s Sunglass Shack outlets? Since my primary MO while visiting WDW is not shopping, there’s now nothing for me here. I used to enjoy going to Disneyquest/PI/wherever and shopping before or after, but Disney doesn’t want me there unless I’m willing to buy an entire kitchen set including the kitchen sink. So I won’t be.

Random Tangent: Why does the WDW property still have so many one-lane roads? Having lived in LA for a few years, where there is exactly infinity-zero room for construction or expansion of anything of any kind, I tear my hair out every time I have to drive on one of these one-lane jobs through the swamp. They have NOTHING BUT ROOM. And Guests CONSTANTLY COMPLAIN ABOUT OVERCROWDING. AND BUSSES THAT TAKE TOO LONG TO REACH THEIR DESTINATION. THIS IS THE EASIEST FIX IN THE WORLD. WHERE DID MY HAIR GO??!!

The Magic+ Kingdom

The Swiss: Has anyone else performed an act of Good Samaritanism while in line for an attraction? Have you done things like close a switchback queue that’s no longer necessary (or opened one when crowds are overflowing)? If so, we’re friends. Automatically. You don’t have a choice. There’s no escape. I walked by the Treehouse and saw there was literally no one exploring inside, lo and behold some funny person had switched the Treehouse wait time to 60 minutes. I changed it back to the only wait time Treehouse has ever had (0). When I returned from watching Tropical Serenade, the Treehouse was full. It’s amazing how weird yet predictable tourists can be. There are now, I’m sure, religious texts that sermonize about my generosity. All hail Doom.

Wherefore Art Thou, Little Orange Bird?: I nearly had a panic attack when I saw that Aloha Isle had moved into the Sunshine Pavilion. I was quickly told that the Orange Bird had moved his Citrus Swirl over to the former Aloha Isle location. I can easily think of two reasons this could have happened (since theming and WDW history suggests the Sunshine Tree Terrace remain at the Sunshine Pavilion): 1. Some number cruncher saw they could sell 2% more Dole Whips if they moved to a location with one more register, or 2. Someone wanted to duplicate Disneyland’s highly successful Dole Whip setup. It’s sort of a downer either way. Profits before Show, yet again. I do share Foxxy’s view on this point that WDW has its own history, and making changes to be “more like Disneyland” is contradictory and silly. Read her full column here rather than listen to me blabber on, since I agree with practically every word: http://passport2dreams.blogspot.com/2012/02/on-integrity.html

Enchntd Tki Rm nd Cntry Br Jmbre: Really Disney? You thought the one thing Magic Kingdom needed was to cut 2 minutes from Tiki and Bear Band? Someone actually thought this up? And it’s pretty funny how some of the changes are just plain nonsensical…Wendell and Gomer’s protracted appearances coming first to mind, or perhaps the fact that the Bodiless Three now have exactly zero lines in between intro and exit. There certainly was no creative direction here. It’s easy to see what happened, it happens with movie making all the time. The director is given a set time limit, and is told on no uncertain terms to cut to that length of time. So they cut one verse of Big Al, one verse of Ole Slew Foot, etc. until the show’s pacing is completely shot. But hey, at least Iago and Olaf aren’t somehow involved, right? (Down girl!)

Hopefully-One-Day-Will-Be-Extinct-Gen Mansion: When did the Haunted Mansion move into Toontown? Did I miss the memo? Someone tell the magical Disney map people that we found Toontown, it’s been hiding with 999 ghosts for some reason.

Is this Fantasyland now? Does Syfy Channel play real sci-fi shows? I don't know what to think anymore!

Packages will be sent through Next-Gen Queues: The new(er) Space version is just frustrating. It’s nice that Disney is spending some money and everything, but here it seems they were changing things just to change them. Really guys, little green alien is our new color scheme? And why does every screen now have to be SO FANTASTICALLY BRIGHT? Could people not see the departure board in the first room before? Because the new freaking bright lights wrecks the go-away effect of the wall paint. And why is there a giant unthemed hallway on the way to Alpha that looks like the backstock area of a garage sale? Is this where the money ran out? My head hurts.

In the Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Bar: After my forays at MK I did sneak into Trader Sam’s to see how it compared with the West Coast version. And seriously, doesn’t Disney learn from it’s mistakes? There was little to no seating inside the main area. I thought this was supposed to be the bigger, better version? Where’s that WDW spirit? Sheesh, they get constant complaints at DL that the bar fills to capacity too quickly. Don’t they listen? Unbelievable.

On the bright side, Hall of Presidents, Carousel of Progress, and the Peoplemover are still truckin’, and though COP looks and sounds awful, thank god it’s still there. That’s another area that I think Disney brass have simply no idea is still in existence. One can only hope.

A Final Word:

Epcot has Left the Library. Epcot has been Saved

I’ve heard so much negativity about Epcot from fans for the past, well…who are we kidding, 15 or so years. Disney replaces classic attractions with Pixar, or Six Flags thrill rides, or anything else. It’s really very obvious that Disney management, as it exists today, has little or no interest in Epcot (other than through alcohol sales). They couldn’t care less about Epcot’s mission or point of being. It’s plainly obvious. And that’s sad. But what’s strangely hopeful about this situation is…there has been very little damage done to Epcot’s core infrastructure. Disney’s apathy towards Epcot has caused a strange sort of sleepy sickness that makes them ignore making Epcot that much worse. In the Eisner days, they weren’t shy about spending the money to tear entire attractions down and replace them. Nowadays, they’re too lazy to spend the money. So everything we’ve come to despise about Disney’s attitude towards attractions and creative thinking, has actually been what has saved and preserved Epcot.

It reminds me of what happened with Fastpass. Old school Disney fans hate Fastpass for several reasons, probably the most egregious being the overcrowding of walkways, the creation of a lower-class theme park stratification, and the blatant intention of Fastpass to get Guests spending more money in the restaurants and shops. Yet, one good thing that came out of the Fastpass initiative was the very real possibility that it saved several smaller attractions from extinction. Because Guests are now walking around, they don’t just visit shops and restaurants, but they have time to go to smaller attractions they normally wouldn’t have time to visit during a regular operating day. I’m convinced Fastpass is the reason why we still have a Tiki Room in Anaheim and a Carousel of Progress in Orlando. These attractions just fell through the cracks of the system and were able to avoid extinction.

I see the same kind of “falling through the cracks” happening with Epcot. The core is still there. With the exception of Horizons, no 1982/83 pavilion has been fully bulldozed or replaced. Spaceship Earth is still there. Journey into YOUR Imagination has kept the first 2/3rds of Dreamfinder’s ride track. Only very small changes were made to Universe of Energy or the Living Seas. All we have to do is take down some window shades and Innoventions looks more like Communicore again. Underneath all the frou-frou and pin stands and DVC stalls is EarthStation and Communicore. Just like with American Adventure, I think Disney just doesn’t want to spend the money or effort to change things at Epcot. Which, considering how much worse it could be (EPCOT BECOMES NEW DISNEY SPRINGS/DVC EXPANSION!!!) is not an entirely hopeless thought. All it will take is one smart person to say, “Hey, maybe people really like Epcot!” and flick the switch back on. But for now, EPCOT Center is quietly waiting in the dark, like a surprise birthday guest…like one day’s it’s going to pop out of your birthday cake (that’s an interesting visual). Shhhhhh! Don’t tell Disney it’s still there!

"Johnson, what is that?"

"I dunno sir, possibly a leftover from the Eagle Pines course?"

"I don't have time for this. I have admission prices to increase."

And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for (and the real reason you’re probably still reading this). During my trip, I paid a visit to my former house and said hi to my wonderful former roommate, Tim. Tim is a GSM at MK and owns his own DJ company, and therefore has an unhealthy obsession with Pleasure Island. So much so that he purchased the real Comedy Warehouse drink menu from Property Control and plastered it on my former bedroom wall (I’m actually not making this up). So this is the moment you’ve been waiting for … I now present to you, my friends, dear readers … THE COMEDY WAREHOUSE/PLEASURE ISLAND SPECIALTY DRINK MENU!!!

******CUES HALLELUJAH CHORUS***************

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL

Okay, so it’s not hidden at all. Now we can make Rage in a Cage and Jessica’s Secret to our heart’s content! According to my research, this is the ONLY picture of the Comedy Warehouse drink menu available anywhere! You’re welcome, internet! And you’re welcome for the extra clicks, Parkscope administrators!

Send your unending praise to Jeff @ParkScopeJeff on Twitter, or complain about him at parkscopeblog at gmail dot com. Kungaloosh!